Divorced Mom Energy

Ali Wong, hindsight and one of my favorite photos

When I hit play on Ali Wong’s new Netflix comedy special Single Lady, I was in the mood for some mindless laughs on a Friday night. And yes, I definitely laughed. But the stand-up routine left a different kind of impression on me than I was expecting.

The comedy special is about Ali Wong’s post-divorce experiences as a middle-aged single mother. But in my mind, it’s all about what she called “divorced mom energy.”

Of course, divorce is hard. But as Wong cracked jokes about her adventures in dating, I couldn’t help but grasp onto her post-divorce empowerment, a super power I most certainly didn’t feel during my own divorce. I didn’t feel like I was exuding that divorced mom energy. Or at least in the same way. My divorced mom energy felt more like shame and exhaustion rather than strength and awesomeness.

But that was over a decade ago, and views about divorce have changed. Women are sharing their divorce stories. Women are writing memoirs about their divorces. Female comedians like Ali Wong are joking about their divorces. I love it. The more we share these stories, the more we can help others who are in the thick of it, women like I once was fearing they’ll never recover from the dissolution of their marriages.

As the comedy special ended, I couldn’t help but think back to my divorce with the gift of a decade of hindsight. Maybe in the moment, as the aches and pains of divorce were pummeling me, I didn’t even realize I had more of Ali Wong’s divorced mom energy than I understood. Maybe, even though I couldn’t see it at the time, I had my own brand of divorced mom energy. 

Despite that shame and exhaustion, I made great efforts to empower myself, to lift myself up in ways I’d never had to do before, if for no other reason than I felt like I had no other choice.

Case in point: A few days after envying Ali Wong’s divorced mom energy, Facebook reminded me of this photo from 11 years ago:

That’s me running the 26th mile of the Marine Corps Marathon. It was a few weeks before my divorce was finalized after being legally separated for nearly a year. I was in the thick of it. Looking at this photo, I don’t see any shame or exhaustion whatsoever. In this photo, I see motivation. Empowerment. Contentment. Strength. Determination. Badassery. And yes, awesomeness.

Ali Wong’s divorced mom energy may look different than mine did, but it’s heartening to remember that I got through the hard days and found ways to create good days. So thanks for the laughs, Ali. And the reminder that we’re stronger than we think we are.

From the Archives

• Four years ago: My essay Saying Goodbye To My Beloved Pet was published at AARP’s The Girlfriend.

• Four years ago: My essay My Daughter Wanted to Donate Her Quarantine Hair was published in Your Teen.

Recent Reads

I love books, and I make time to read because I believe in the importance of reading as a writer. I also like to mix up my genres, flip-flopping between novels and nonfiction (mostly memoirs). Here’s what I read or am currently reading this month:

• The Chair and the Valley: A Memoir of Trauma, Healing, and the Outdoors by Banning Lyon

• The Last House Guest by Megan Miranda

• I Would Meet You Anywhere: A Memoir by Susan Kiyo Ito

---

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe from harm.

May you live with ease.💫