Reflecting on Divorce and the Power of Memoir

While I often express gratitude for my divorce over a decade ago, this month was particularly contemplative.

There’s nothing like an anniversary to make you reflect on years gone by. And as my boyfriend and I celebrated the nine year anniversary of our first date this month, I couldn’t help but think back on all that’s happened in the last nine years, as well as the years leading up to that first date.

Obviously, the first thing that needed to happen in order for me to meet my wonderful partner is my divorce. While I often express gratitude for the fact that my marriage ended over a decade ago, this month was particularly contemplative as I finished the sixth draft of my divorce memoir, as well as published an essay related to that memoir.

I knew Lyz Lenz was releasing a new memoir called This American Ex-Wife, and when it arrived on my doorstep I opened it immediately, devouring it in a few days. I nodded along to her words, underlining passages, marking pages with sticky notes. I related so deeply to her story, to her reasons for ending her marriage, to her passionate insistence on the pursuit of happiness, wishing I could have read it when I was going through my own divorce.

When I finished the book and sat down to compose an essay on exactly how much I related to it, the words flowed out of me. I remembered my inner push and pull of should I stay or should I go. I remembered the shame and the guilt I felt when I told people I was getting divorced, that I was switching back to my maiden name, that I was moving with my children into an apartment. I remembered the financial strain and exhaustion of being a single mother.

But I also remembered the sense of freedom, independence and strength. I remembered how I made that apartment into my home. I remembered how I rediscovered myself and my true identity. And of course, I remembered the happiness I found, the happiness I could only have found if I ended my marriage.

That essay, Divorce is having a moment. And I wish it had happened 10 years ago, was published a couple weeks ago on The TODAY Show website. It was the quickest I’ve ever written a reported essay — that’s how inspired I was reading someone else’s memoir. And others must have been inspired by my words because I’m not sure I’ve ever seen one of my essays shared as much or receive the outpouring of positive feedback as this one.

As I read through comments on social media and emails from readers, I was heartened by the women who wrote to say they could relate, to share their own stories, to congratulate me on my quest for happiness, to tell me they’re searching for their own happiness outside of marriage. 

Even the harsh comments didn’t bother me, the readers who claimed that divorce is only acceptable in certain cases like abuse and addiction, that any other reason is unacceptable, selfish and catastrophic for the children. Maybe ten years ago those comments would have bothered me. But I’m far enough removed from my divorce that I know it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I know I would have continued to be a shell of a person sleepwalking through life if I had stayed in that marriage. And if not for that divorce, I certainly wouldn’t have celebrated the ninth anniversary of the first date with my life partner who provides everything I wasn’t getting in that marriage.

Divorce is never easy. And it took me a long time to get over the guilt and the shame, especially as it related to my children and how my decisions affected their lives. I’m pretty sure if I could have read a book like This American Ex-Wife, I would have felt so much less alone in my fears and doubts. I would have felt more secure in my choices. I quite possibly would have left sooner than I did.

That’s what memoirs do. They tell stories that help us relate to each other, that help us feel less alone in our feelings and experiences. I can only hope that one day my own memoir will do the same.